Wednesday, 26 April 2017

Under Siege?

This blog has definitely not gone in the direction I envisioned when i began writing it, basically I've been watching a YouTube channel called "React" who mostly do fun and quirky videos involving kids, teens, adults reacting to stuff, occasionally though they put out one that really hits on a delicate subject such as the video that is associated with the picture at the top of this blog. If you don't recognise the name don't worry I didn't either although her story is one that is sadly becoming very familiar and by pure coincidence relates with the show "13 Reasons Why" which i mentioned in last weeks blog. Basically Amanda Todd was a 15 year old Canadian school girl who committed suicide after being bullied, she moved in with her father in 2009/2010 and used social media to make friends sadly she was convinced to flash on webcam and the image eventually became public devolving into bullying (both online and in the real world) as well as a physical assault. Suffering from depression and after hospitalisation following a suicide attempt she posted a YouTube video in September 2012 explaining what had happened to her, how her life had gone so wrong and how alone and hopeless she felt, so much so that she sadly in October that same year took her own life.

Those that know me well know that I'm an emotional person as well as a survivor of suicide and this video destroyed me, even now I've had to stop a few times and come back as I'm sobbing buckets. I hate that the world is so full of hate and prejudice, that the media bombards us with messages of distrust and suspicion, this siege mentality that we are told to adopt in order to protect ourselves. On top of all that I constantly feel like a failure for doing nothing with my life, that I have had zero affect on the world, that I'm simply going through the motions day in, day out and that I'll fail at everything I try and won't be able to lose enough weight so that I can once again actively engage with the outside world and make some sort of impact no matter how small or insignificant. I'm always scared, and I don't know what to do but smile and try to struggle on. Writing that last sentence I was reminded of a quote I read once by an author called David Eagleman “There are three deaths. The first is when the body ceases to function. The second is when the body is consigned to the grave. The third is that moment, sometime in the future, when your name is spoken for the last time.” I honestly don't know what i fear the most, the first death or the third. Do I even want death, I have those thoughts but not the desire to carry them out, am I in pain in need of help or simply seeking attention.

I wrote a poem last week called Drama! I wrote it about someone I know who seeks Drama! but now I've read it back to myself I can't decide if I was writing it about this person or myself. I have a lot to think about, as I said this blog really didn't go in the direction I was originally planning it to do.

1 comment:

Karen Warner said...

I am in awe that you are being so honest and truthful about how you are feeling and the day to day struggle just to keep going. Writing your blog should be a surprise to you each time. Writing reveals what is really going on in our heads as the truth will out, whether we like it or not. You do make a difference, just by being present and here and my friend. Also my child, 7 years later, still cannot sleep without one of the soft toys you generously bought when she arrived in this strange world! It even went on holiday to Morrocco with us! She knows who bought them, Uncle Phil. You have affected the future, my child's future as this toy is her confidant, comfort and friend. Small effect, some may say, but to a parent who sees their child happy and secure and loving something special to them, priceless!