This blog is a chronicle of my attempts to lose weight, the ups and downs, also my battle with depression. I'll try to be humorous and thoughtful but will always welcome critisicm and support with an open heart and mind.
Wednesday, 12 April 2017
In My Head
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking this week, see today, for those of you who didn’t attend Sunday school is Holy Wednesday, also known to some as Spy Wednesday which was the day that Judas Iscariot met with the High Priests to plot the betrayal of Jesus for 30 pieces of silver and is also the midpoint of Easter Week which culminates on Easter Sunday, as a Catholic the observance of Easter week has always been of great importance to me however due to my weight, as well as the anxiety I feel from being around people I don’t know I haven’t attended church for a number of years for the Easter observances. Paradoxically though as I’ve got older I’ve come to the belief that I don’t need to attend church to be a good Catholic even if in the past I have made the effort to attend on specific Holy days.
mAs well as contemplating the state of my immortal soul I’ve also been contemplating the state of my mental health and wellbeing, you see in the last ten days I’ve had two hypomania episodes. Weirdly hypomania Philip is the type of person I wish I could be all the time, at least certain aspects of him. Hypo-Philip is constantly fidgeting, has an abundance of energy, is talkative, giddy, sociable, productive and very mischievous. Funnily enough one of my colleagues commented during one of the episodes earlier in the week that I had the devil in me, which as I was writing this I thought was very appropriate to mention. Anyway the problem is that these episodes are short lived, usually only lasting for a couple of hours and when I come down from them it feels like an intense sugar crash, it really knocks the wind from my sails. It got me thinking though, I’m normally very uncomfortable in social gatherings especially where I don’t know the majority of people attending and it makes me wonder especially after a Hypomania episode where I’m more outgoing, am I introverted because it’s who I am or am I introverted because of being Bipolar, is my uneasiness in social gatherings simply an extension of my illness.
I started this blog back in 2009 after a number of suicide attempts, i'd lost focus on my weight loss journey and entered into a bout of severe depression that culminated in me taking an overdose, in fact two in a space of a month. In May of 2009 I rejoined Weight Watchers and managed to lose over 100lbs before depression once again reared it's ugly head, between June of 2010 and August 2012 I regained all the weight I had lost and ended up making further suicide attempts. And so you find me here in 2017 Heavier than I have ever been in my life.