Wednesday, 22 July 2015

Back to Basics

It's been a while since I posted and mainly because I couldn't be bothered but also because I didn't feel like sharing or feel that I had anything worth talking about. Would like to say that I've continued to lose weight and that absolutely nothing of interest has happened but me being me that aint the case.

On the work front it's been a mixed bag, I'm currently waiting on a meeting concerning a complaint that has been lodged against me for an inappropriate sexual comment that it's claimed I have made, complete bollox but it has caused me some serious amounts of stress. On the flip I've been responsible for organising the Health and Wellbeing Notice Board at work which has been really well received and I've had several awesome comments and an e-card for my efforts.

Weight wise I've been yo-yo-ing again. So 3 weeks ago I posted a huge loss, i was over the moon, then I did what I always do and treated myself with food (not a good idea) anyway that meant a gain the following week, head on straight went to weigh in last week and another gain, completely pissed me off so I went and had a pizza, garlic bread and a large bottle of coke, i wont lie it was really nice and i really enjoyed it but feared having another gain this week so decided to plan all my meals this week, it also helped that i had a week off work and so Chef Payton put on his apron and kicked some culinary ass which helped as I lost 6lbs this week, would have liked 7lbs but 6lbs is still bloody good and I'm over the moon with it.


Pork Loins and Curried Rice

Lemon and Ginger Chicken with Cashew Nuts

Paprika Pork with Grated Cheese and Korma Rice

Singapore Pork

Aromatic Lamb with a Mint Relish and Weight Watchers Roasties

Chinese 5 Spices and Plum Chicken

Beef Wellington with an Orange and Duck Pate Filling

Chicken and Cheese Wrapped in Filo Pastry

Cinnamon, Mint and Lemon Pork Loins

Sadly I'm back at work tomorrow so no more cooking at least not every night, lets see what I can get on the scales next week and I'll blog later

Wednesday, 20 May 2015

Gods and Men

Had a small gain this week 1/2 a pound, wish it had been a loss but it's better than the yo-yo gaining I've been experiencing of late, not much to really say this week however I have been doing some writing trying to put together a few short stories, the first is below, please let me know what you think, don't spare my feelings....

The entrance hall to the tower was littered with the dead and dying their moans and screams mingling with the sounds of fighting. In the midst of the carnage stood Prince Ulrich and the remainder of his Royal Guard, he’d lost his helm early on in the battle and his long blonde hair now flowed freely down his back, a startling contrast to his silver armour and torn crimson cape. Blocking a sword strike with his shield he stabbed his attacker in the face with his sword before separating the man’s head from his shoulders. “Hold the Line, we have to protect Jocelyn” they had received little warning about Lord Stefan’s betrayal; the young serving girl who had carried the warning had died in his arms as they barred the entrance against the enemy troops, when the tower doors had been breached the Prince and his Guard Cadre had rallied. For a moment they had a respite as the soldiers withdrew beyond the shattered remains of the tower door reforming for another charge. Ulrich adjusted his shield and sword as along the line the remaining members of his guard did likewise, the few servants who had been in the tower helped those soldiers who were injured back beyond the line as their comrades waited for the next wave.

And so it continued despite being severely pressed Ulrich and the guards held their ground, blood had made the floor slick, Ulrich slipped and found himself off balance, he raised his shield to block an overhead sword strike and although he met the blow easily it forced him down to one knee as a second strike tore the shield from his grip, Ulrich raised his sword to fend off further blows but one of the guardsmen intercepted the descending sword which allowed Ulrich to thrust his sword into the attackers stomach gutting him. The guard one of several women in his cadre smashed her shield into the face of the attacker as he fell to the floor dead, helping Ulrich back to his feet she turned to block another strike and continued to fight.

Despite being better trained the number of troops attacking was slowly forcing them back towards the tower staircase. Seeing that their position was becoming untenable Ulrich decide to give ground and withdraw the remaining men back to the base of the stairwell, with its narrowness the superior numbers of attackers would not be an immediate factor and it would allow them to regroup, at least until they reached the wider corridor on the first floor which led to the living quarters, if the attackers forced them back that far then it would be all but over.

With the advantage of numbers being taken away they would be able to hold them off for a time but Ulrich knew that they couldn’t stand indefinitely and would eventually be over run. Already the landing was littered with those who were too injured to continue, some were from the earlier defence of the doorway but as the fighting continued in the stairwell more were being brought up to receive aid, Ulrich took a moment with each of them, to thank them and reassure them that they were still fighting, still holding, amongst those injured was Dai, the old man had been a part of his life since he was born and had taught him everything he knew about swordsmanship, it broke his heart to see the old man his face ashen, his beard speckled with blood, the old man’s arms and legs were covered in wounds and he was struggling to remain conscious, suddenly the old man reached up and grabbed Ulrich’s shoulder “Listen to me boy, you’ve fought valiantly but now is the time to survive, let us do what we were sworn to do, you need to get your family to safety” the old man’s arm slipped from its place on his shoulder and he feared that he had passed on, the old man raised his eyes to meet Ulrich’s. “It has been my honour my Lord” Ulrich felt himself begin to well up as the old man died, there would be time for grief and tears later, slowly and respectfully he reached up and closed the old man’s eyes, “No my Lord, the honour was mine”

Ulrich stood and took a deep breath, Dai was right it was time to get to safety, nothing mattered to him right now than making sure that Jocelyn and their unborn child got to safety although the thought of fleeing galled him. As he entered the apartments he felt something was wrong, taking a moment to curse the gods, he wondered what further misfortune could befall them this night, as he entered his bed chamber he took a moment to apologise for doubting them, in the midst of all this death and carnage he felt his heart sore as Jocelyn lay propped up on the bed holding a small body to her breast, she looked up as he entered and a small smile sprang to her face, “Just like her father” she commented, as quickly as the moment had come it passed, “how bad?” she asked.

“We’ve been pushed back to the stairs, we lost about fifteen defending the doors before we withdrew, the injured have been brought up to the landing whilst the rest defend the stairwell” Ulrich took another deep breath, “Can you walk, we can’t hold indefinitely and assuming anyone got out of the city it will take at least a week for Father to return with a force to reclaim the castle”

The babe had finished suckling and Jocelyn stood cradling the baby against her chest, she winced slightly as muscles which had been strained in child birth protested the movement. She slowly walked over to Ulrich and handed him the small child, “My Lord, your Daughter, the Crown Princess of Amar, Kantara Anna Odar”

Ulrich brought the three of them into an embrace, “Our Daughter” kissing them both he handed her back to Jocelyn.

Moving back to the door he signalled for one of his sword Captains to attend him, Isabella had joined the guards several years prior and progressed quickly through the ranks, a distant cousin her father had accepted her application to join after she had been disowned by her own father for refusing a prearranged marriage and running away. Ulrich still recalled the night they had first met, as a blood relation, all be it a distant one the King had granted an audience, standing in everything she owned and soaked to the bone her interview had been turned over to Dai who had teased her mercilessly calling her a drowned rat amongst other things, eventually he’d thrown her a sword, catching it by the hilt the blade tip had made a dull thud as it dropped to the carpeted floor as it was pulled down by the weight. She had raised it slightly and had stood there as Dai continued his teasing, Ulrich remembered being surprised to see a small smile before she schooled her expression, it happened so quickly that at first he thought he had imagined it, Dai slapped the flat of her blade with his own expecting her to lose her grip and drop the sword, a trick he had played on Ulrich many times and was surprised not only to find her in control of her sword but after meeting the initial attack she retaliated, with quick and practised strokes she hit the flat of her blade against his knuckles, two further strikes in quick succession followed by a leg sweep saw the old man disarmed and on the flat of his back with Isabella standing over him the tip of her blade resting against his chest. Dai had simply laughed, and after regaining his feet had announced “I like her”. She had been sworn into Ulrich’s service that very night.

Her quick wit and humour had endeared her to both Ulrich and Jocelyn, her loyalty and devotion to them both had further cemented their relationship and she could be found as often sharing dinner with them as standing a watch and Ulrich knew she was the right person to send with Jocelyn.

“Izzy, I want you to get Jocelyn to safety, grab Mya to go with you and the pair of you will get her to safety, hopefully three women will draw less attention than armed men” nodding she turned and ran back down the corridor to fetch the guardswoman.

Jocelyn appeared at his shoulder, “You’re coming with us?”

“I can’t, your only chance to get away is to convince Stefan that we are holding out here, if he gets even the slightest hint that we’ve slipped away he’ll stop attacking the tower and start scouring the city for us and any chance to escape will be gone” Kissing Jocelyn he reluctantly released her, “I love you and our daughter more than anything in this world,”

Wednesday, 13 May 2015

How to Earn a Gain

The hardest thing with being the size that I am is that after 4 or 5 days at work my legs and other parts suffer from swelling and chaffing so I try to work no more than 4 and then have at least 2 days off. Unfortunately I got a bit cocky, did some bank holiday overtime and did not plan my weeks very well so ended up doing a couple of weeks with only single days off in between which meant that when I got home on Wednesday last week I was hot, tired, sweaty, swollen and chaffing in all the wrong places. I'd had a good week though, stuck with the plan 100% and was determined to endure the pain, get the loss and head into a new week on top, sadly it was not to be and instead of a loss I had an 8lb gain. I wish I knew where it came from but was stumped and very upset. As I sat at the meeting I could feel myself getting more and more depressed, feelings which I've held in check started to resurface and I felt myself being less and less communicative. I fired off a few texts to get some sympathy and then hit the kitchen and boy I hit it hard. From getting home at around 11am till going to bed about 4am I had;

2 Polish Sausages
12 Cobs with Margarine
8 slices of Turkey
20 Slices of Beef
4 bags of Walkers Sensations (the big ones)
12 snickers ice cream bars
and a Roast Chicken Dinner

I felt guilty about it but the next day with yet another shift looming and still being in considerable pain I realised that I had to get back on track, if I wanted to stop feeling like this, living my life in the moments that I could rest rather than live them in the moments I could live. I got right back on track and focused on getting the posters ready for the Mental Health Awareness Week notice board and it worked because I got on the scales this morning and lost 6lbs. I hate the way I feel sometimes, it's not like I want to but sometimes I can't help it, it's kinda like being adrift, you've got no choice but to ride it out and hope that it doesn't last too long or do too much damage, This time it was just a day, next time it could be longer but that's a problem for tomorrow. Right now Bacon is in the oven (pointed) and I'm looking forward to another 100% week.

Total lost so far 31.5Lbs (PB was 25th Feb - 35.5Lbs)

Ya Big Jessie

I’ve been trawling the internet over the last few days looking for decent porn (only joking, I’ve got them bookmarked, don’t need to trawl). What I was actually looking for were articles about why people respond emotionally to Movies and TV shows, one of the articles talked about something called mirroring, where you unconsciously mirror the emotion of the actor or actress on screen, now the reason I was looking into this was because I have a tendency to cry like a little girl when watching Films and TV programs, happened to be watching an episode of Grey’s Anatomy and found myself welling up and was curious why? I mean being in touch with your feminine side is all well and good but can be very tiring and tends to see you put on some questionable lists. Anyway some of the articles suggested that people who have very active imaginations or who read a lot of fiction tend to be more susceptible to becoming emotionally involved with fictional characters than people who don’t. To quote one article “Tears are a positive representation of who we are. It demonstrates not only our deep emotional connections with our world – past, present, and future – but allows us to visibly celebrate that fact. They are also scientifically proven to make you feel better. So go on and wear your tears with pride”.

Some YouTube clips which are guaranteed to have me crying like a baby; – Grey’s Anatomy, - The West Wing, – Doctor Who, – ER, - ER, – We Are Marshall,

Monday, 11 May 2015

Nutter; Noun; (British, slang) a mad or eccentric person.

Even though it’s been a couple of months since my last post to quote Sir Elton “I’m Still Standing”

Firstly I should apologise for not posting recently, it’s not because I’ve been depressed or anything, although I have had the flu, then a bout of gout (hey that rhymed) followed by a bad knee. One after another for about 5 weeks which was a pain in the arse and coincidentally the only part of my body which didn’t hurt.

So to the title of my Post, this week is Mental Health Awareness Week 11th – 17th May and if you weren’t aware then don’t worry I’m not surprised, it hasn’t been very well promoted if at all. It isn’t because no one cares but more likely because there is still a huge stigma attached with the illness. As someone who suffers from Depression and is Bipolar it is a subject that I have become very familiar with and one that I have tried to be open and honest about, talking about my suicide attempts and the efforts that I’ve taken to try and get over it along with the seeming endless support of my friends and family.

My biggest surprises came when I was researching facts and figures, A report by the World Health Organization in 2011 estimated that 450,000,000 people worldwide were suffering from one form of mental illness or another with projections that this would likely increase year by year whereas a report by the United Nations in the same period estimated only 27,000,000 having a substance abuse problem but more is spent on drug rehabilitation and prevention than on mental health services. Closer to home it’s estimated that 1 in 4 people are suffering from some form of mental health illness and the majority of those are doing so in silence, In terms of research it’s pretty bleak, an average of £1,571 per person per annum is spent on Cancer Research compared to £10 per person per annum on Mental Health Research.

Mental health has to stop being the poor cousin and needs to start receiving the funding to help with support and research.

Wednesday, 11 March 2015

You Lucky, Lucky, Bastard.......

I must admit that I'd pre-written a little bit of my blog ready to explain why I'd gained this week so no one was more shocked and surprised than me when i got on the scales to find that I had lost 6lbs this week which makes my total 31.5lbs so far, if I have a good week I could get back to 35.5lbs which is where I was before getting man flu a few weeks ago.

My foot is still hurting me, on some days it has been so painful that I wished I could just cut the foot off, anyway I've stopped having Soya Milk and Low Fat Pork Sausages. I'm giving it another few days and if it doesn't improve I'll be going to the doctors for some serious amounts of pain killers. I just hope that I don't have to wait the usual 3 weeks to get into see the doctor, there other GP's at the practice but only the one I see regularly treats me like a person with an illness rather than a fat bloke who is getting what he deserves and losing weight will solve all my problems....yeah right.....

Started re-watching Babylon 5, my god when I realised what year the pilot aired it made me feel incredibly old, 1993, the show is over 22 years old. Have some great memories from conventions and meeting lots of the shows stars though. One of those goosebump moments happened when I was at my first convention is 1997, Babylon 5 had completed 4 seasons and rumours had it that it would be cancelled, Anyway myself and some friends plus 3,000 other sci-fi geeks filled a conference hall in a hotel in Blackpool waiting for the convention to start, they always introduce the stars, anyway the stage lights came on and J Michael Straczynski the shows creator came on stage and explained that he had just received a fax from one of the shows executive producers and began to read it. "John, not sure what happened but we got season 5". Boom, everyone was on their feet shouting and cheering for about 30 minutes.

Found a new book series I like called the Throne of Glass, but as is my usual luck the other is only part way through writing it, 3 of 6 planned books are out with the 4th due in September, very well written and if you're into fantasy, swords, sorcery etc then I would highly recommend it.

Hope everyone has a good week and i'll blog again next week, with a loss....promise

Wednesday, 4 March 2015

Loserville, Population Me?

Supposed to weigh in today but my gout flared up and I wasn't able to go, I've had a mild attack for a few days but the pain in my foot is so severe this morning that any pressure, such as socks and shoes is excruciating, hopefully I can go Friday if not it'll be next Wednesday. It's at times like this that I turn to God and ask why? why am i so fat, why do i lack self-control, why do I have all this pain physical and mental, why, why, why.....

I try to live my life as I think a Catholic should, i try to be kind to others but when people I've never met call me names and hurl abuse at me it makes it so hard to be understanding, I try to be charitable, but sometimes my selfishness overrides me, I try to be understanding but my ego makes me hate the people i speak to in my job and wonder why they are the way they are and then I take time to reflect and loath myself for my faults.

I was surfing the net over the last few nights and came across a story about Ernest Hemingway and 6 word stories, I love to write, it makes me feel better and whether anyone reads what i put down or not is not the point, the simple act of being able to express my thoughts without fear of someone stopping me and telling me that i can't do or say that is a release. Anyway 6 word stories, i found some of them so thought provoking and a couple of them quite upsetting especially when referencing the death of a child that I tried to write my own....

Obese, Depressed, Suicidal, I'm Better Now.

Alcohol and Pills, Where is Hope?

Verbal, Physical, Mental, Why Choose Me?

Photography, Cycling, Swimming, Things I've Lost

Pain, Anguish, Suffering, Things I've Found

Friends, Family, Facebook, So Much Support

You know up until last night I was really feeling good and then this morning it's all just meh, I wish that I could go back and tell myself what life will be like so that I can change the path my life has taken, i have so many regrets, I've missed out on so much and I fear that I don't have enough time in my life left to make a difference, I see the posts from friends and family of holidays, trips, nights out and I feel jealous. I can't even go to the cinema because I'm afraid, the theatre is a thing of the past, at times it seems that all i'm good for is.....what? am I good for anything, what do i contribute. My life seems to be work and home, if there is going to be a change it's up to me, but how much time do I have left?