Under Siege?

This blog has definitely not gone in the direction I envisioned when i began writing it, basically I've been watching a YouTube channel called "React" who mostly do fun and quirky videos involving kids, teens, adults reacting to stuff, occasionally though they put out one that really hits on a delicate subject such as the video that is associated with the picture at the top of this blog. If you don't recognise the name don't worry I didn't either although her story is one that is sadly becoming very familiar and by pure coincidence relates with the show "13 Reasons Why" which i mentioned in last weeks blog. Basically Amanda Todd was a 15 year old Canadian school girl who committed suicide after being bullied, she moved in with her father in 2009/2010 and used social media to make friends sadly she was convinced to flash on webcam and the image eventually became public devolving into bullying (both online and in the real world) as well as a physical assault. Suffering from depression and after hospitalisation following a suicide attempt she posted a YouTube video in September 2012 explaining what had happened to her, how her life had gone so wrong and how alone and hopeless she felt, so much so that she sadly in October that same year took her own life.



Those that know me well know that I'm an emotional person as well as a survivor of suicide and this video destroyed me, even now I've had to stop a few times and come back as I'm sobbing buckets. I hate that the world is so full of hate and prejudice, that the media bombards us with messages of distrust and suspicion, this siege mentality that we are told to adopt in order to protect ourselves. On top of all that I constantly feel like a failure for doing nothing with my life, that I have had zero affect on the world, that I'm simply going through the motions day in, day out and that I'll fail at everything I try and won't be able to lose enough weight so that I can once again actively engage with the outside world and make some sort of impact no matter how small or insignificant. I'm always scared, and I don't know what to do but smile and try to struggle on. Writing that last sentence I was reminded of a quote I read once by an author called David Eagleman “There are three deaths. The first is when the body ceases to function. The second is when the body is consigned to the grave. The third is that moment, sometime in the future, when your name is spoken for the last time.” I honestly don't know what i fear the most, the first death or the third. Do I even want death, I have those thoughts but not the desire to carry them out, am I in pain in need of help or simply seeking attention.

I wrote a poem last week called Drama! I wrote it about someone I know who seeks Drama! but now I've read it back to myself I can't decide if I was writing it about this person or myself. I have a lot to think about, as I said this blog really didn't go in the direction I was originally planning it to do.

It's Always a Good Time

So I’m sat in the living room with my headphones on listening to a new CD, “The Best of Eva Cassidy” with absolutely no idea what to write this week, mentally and emotionally I’m doing great, I’m still in a lot of physical pain with my knee as moving it too much is excruciating, and really starting to piss me off. Don’t feel like I’m making any headway with my weight journey, I’m not attending weight watchers meetings but am still using the app to stay (or try to) on track. Daily I’m on the maximum number of points (93) which is loads so for this week I’m going to drop them down to 70 and see if that helps any (side bar – Time after Time just came on, love this song)

Cats just come in, bless him he isn’t well, he got attacked a couple of weeks ago by we assume a fox, certainly it was something bigger than another cat, he had hurt ribs for a few days but thankfully that got better the things that has us worried is the damage to his back near the neck, at first there were several puncture wound but now there is this huge scab which is coming off though there is a lot of gunk and puss underneath, he’s going to the vets tonight so I’m hoping that it isn’t anything too major, just that it needs some cleaning and antibiotics.

Binge watched Th1rteen R3asons Why today, it’s on Netflix and well worth checking out, it centres on the suicide of a teenage girl called Hannah and the 13 reasons why, this is explained by a serious of tapes that Hannah recorded prior to her death and that have been mysteriously delivered to Hannah’s friend Clay. Whilst the show has received criticism about how it dealt with the subject matter and personally I felt this was justified I also understood that this was a television drama and not a documentary so in my opinion it can be forgiven for that.

Anyway since i was at work last night and binge watched Netflix I haven’t been to sleep yet so going to grab a sandwich and hit the sack.

In My Head

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking this week, see today, for those of you who didn’t attend Sunday school is Holy Wednesday, also known to some as Spy Wednesday which was the day that Judas Iscariot met with the High Priests to plot the betrayal of Jesus for 30 pieces of silver and is also the midpoint of Easter Week which culminates on Easter Sunday, as a Catholic the observance of Easter week has always been of great importance to me however due to my weight, as well as the anxiety I feel from being around people I don’t know I haven’t attended church for a number of years for the Easter observances. Paradoxically though as I’ve got older I’ve come to the belief that I don’t need to attend church to be a good Catholic even if in the past I have made the effort to attend on specific Holy days.

mAs well as contemplating the state of my immortal soul I’ve also been contemplating the state of my mental health and wellbeing, you see in the last ten days I’ve had two hypomania episodes. Weirdly hypomania Philip is the type of person I wish I could be all the time, at least certain aspects of him. Hypo-Philip is constantly fidgeting, has an abundance of energy, is talkative, giddy, sociable, productive and very mischievous. Funnily enough one of my colleagues commented during one of the episodes earlier in the week that I had the devil in me, which as I was writing this I thought was very appropriate to mention. Anyway the problem is that these episodes are short lived, usually only lasting for a couple of hours and when I come down from them it feels like an intense sugar crash, it really knocks the wind from my sails. It got me thinking though, I’m normally very uncomfortable in social gatherings especially where I don’t know the majority of people attending and it makes me wonder especially after a Hypomania episode where I’m more outgoing, am I introverted because it’s who I am or am I introverted because of being Bipolar, is my uneasiness in social gatherings simply an extension of my illness.

Life's a Climb...

So you might have noticed (or not) that the archive of old blog entries is empty and there is a good reason for this which is that I deleted them. I decided on Monday evening that I was going to start blogging again and wanted to start fresh and clean. When I came up with the name “The Incredible Shrinking Man” for the blog back in 2009 it was at a time when I was feeling optimistic and determined to make my weight loss journey a success. See in April of 2009 I tried unsuccessfully to commit suicide, I can still recall as I sat contemplating a third attempt, an attempt I was determined would not fail that I came across a song called “The Climb” a song which without trying to sound melodramatic saved my life, it made me recommit to weight watchers and brought me out of my depression, at least temporarily.

Whilst the last 8 years have had many ups and downs I’m still here and still trying to realise the dream, there have been several downs, actually probably several dozen, a couple of half-hearted attempts to kill myself and lots of self-harming but always another day, for every step back I’ve tried to take a step forward. On the balance sheet of my life I’m definitely in the red however a good friend once told me that no matter how many times you stumble and fall, no matter how many times you feel like giving up as long as you get up and try just one more time then you haven’t failed at all you’ve just delayed the success.

I don’t know what this blog will contain week to week, but I do promise that it will be honest, I might be flying high or sinking low but each Wednesday my insane little brain will spew forth something to keep me taking one more step on this journey I’m on.

Restart